On a sunny aftnoon

I was right. I am missing them loads. Haha. My dearest Jules and Sharon, hope you guys are still holding out well. I noe you r super busy with all the studying, working, jamming and forecasting. God is your strength!

Well, it's been 2 weeks since I've gone over. The peeps r pretty ok. I still dunno them that well, and still feeling a lil lost. Hmmm, i tink i shld prolly tk on a more active role to get to noe them betta. Kinda taking a backseat and waiting for ppl to warm up to me automatically which is prolly a silly thing to do. "If you want frens, you gotta first be friendly yourself."

Quite a lot has happened in the last 4 weeks. I went for the BV auditions and nope, i din make the cut. I am disappointed. But i dun wanna sulk or blame anyone or give up on my dreams. I wanna work harder, twice as hard if i haf to. God, i pray you will turn everything ard, the hurts, the envy and emptiness, turn them all into my motivation, so that i can run faster and furthur for You. I am learning slowly but surely to let it go. To put it down and look at it positively. God is a good God.

Soon i will b water baptized. Woot! But somehow i am not so excited. I have waited for so long... i tink i've forgotten why i wanted to in the first place. Renew my passion for You everyday Jesus, renew my vision. I love You.

Hurts

It's been a long time since i came. So if i said nothing has happened i'll b lying. But i;m not here to talk bout all that. Juz one particular thing tat has happened these past 2 days.

Everyone noes i love cheerleading. It's really fun and exciting. But i also haf my owns fears as well. And cos of my not-so-light weight and not-so-gd body shape, more often than not, i feel inadequate. But i try. Along with giving a million whinnys and compliants.

i was really quite close to this person last yr during the cheerleading. i tink she felt that she could click betta wif me. But somehow this yr i dun feel that she feels the same way anymore. i noe we aint exactly best frens but it still kinda hurts. Sigh.

I juz feel lousy bout myself and i hate this feeling. Ever since the beginnig of POS this year, i feel less impt. i noe that it's most prob cos of eid that i cant b ard so much so i'm doing lesser. But some of the stuff i'm given i oso dun do so well that in the end they haf to scrape me and change everything. argh.

Then now we're starting the new ministry. And i wanted to join. But now i'm not so sure. Firstly my wrists aren't exactly in good condition and oso cos i dunno if i can committ to this as a ministry. I've got problems and choir. If you dun understand the previous line, dun ask me. So i feel kinda left out of the whole thing. Everyone frm ntu has been assigned as an ic. i noe they prolly gaf their word that they're gonna b committed le that's y but it still hurts. And they din even put me in any grp. Thanks. I feel so included. I wanna run away frm them and nv see them again. Actually maeb it's juz her. I dunno.

Confession to make here: i din go for prac yest for 2 reasons. First it's the wrists. Second i'm lazy. So i'm oso in the wrong. I dun even noe if they are in the wrong. oh well, i tink i juz gotta let go and let God. Holding on to hurts and grudges nv helps. It only makes the wound bigger.

J'ai besoin de voyager

I love to travel. To see this vast vast world that You have created. To see the numerous people and cultures You have put on this earth.

Too bad i ain't loaded. Not me nor my parents. I can only look at the glorious fotos that my most fortunate friends have taken while on their travels. There's Lik Yin in South America, and Mandy in Milan(how cool is that! and for 7 mths too!). I was practically drooling over the fotos. Oh well, guess i juz gotta wait it out.

The last time i sat on a plane was 3 and a half years ago. At this point, i think i'm hearing some remarks like, "Quit whining. What about the rest of us?" I must offer my most sincere apologies if i have offended you in any way. But i can't help it. I am dying to travel. I am dying to experience new faces, new languages. The kind of adrenelin and impulsion i feel whenever i see those pictures, i'm not sure how many of you can understand it. i believe the fact that i've never even gotten out of this side of the hemisphere fuels that passion as well. My time will come. You just wait.

Times and Seasons.

I know i said goodbye.

But there's the occasional time when i feel i need a little space of my own. God i know You are reading this.

People are made in pairs. One for another. This i totally agree.

In a recent turn of events, i found out that 2 of my frens have gotten attached. I'm happy for them, really i am, esp since one of them is my best friend in sec sch. Yet, my emotions are mixed. I can't help but feel a tinge of envy.

Why? Why is it that the whole world seems to be finding their happiness all at the same time. But it juz ain't mine. I understand You work in seasons Lord. I know now isn't the time. I know i shouldn't complain but... There is a slight sadness that i feel which i can't explain why. Is it self-pity? I hope not. I dont wanna turn into one of those desperados whom i so utterly despise. I have lost confidence in myself but i wanna put my confidence in You. That when the right one comes along at the right time, Your Holy Spirit will tell me.

"Guard my heart, oh guard my heart", You have warned me, "For out of it springs the issues of life." I will God, i will. I will try my best, and i will lean on the Holy Spirit for strength and guidance. Teach me to walk in Your ways, to be led by Your Spirit. Let my life be full of purpose Lord, Yours and not mine. Let everyday be an adventure; let every moment take my breath away. Amen.

Au Revoir

Hey guys, i'm not keepin up here so i've decided that i should just close down this blog. My apologies to pple that do come and see what's up wif me. I still love you guys! See you ard sch or wherever...

Should i Stay or Should i Go?

It's been a whooping 2 months since i've posted anything. Not that my life has been super exciting or super boring. Nothing of the extremes. Just plain mediocre. What a terible word.

Just yesterday i had a complaint about my lack of updates and I'm beginning to wonder if i should really keep this up. My once in a month kinda posts that aren't really giving people any kind of insight into my personal world. Seriously, i dun think that the stuff i've offered so far has allowed anyone to see the real me. i just can't decide if i wanna let loose my fingers here. I dun wan pple to be negatively affected by what i tink ya noe.

Anyway, much did happen during this 2 months of my absence. i dun wanna do into details tho it's wat you nosy parkers out there really wanna noe. The scoop. The inside story. Well, too bad... that just ain't my cuppa. Ha.

I nearly got into trouble trouble with God. Major trouble. Not funny at all so i wun type haha. More than once this whole year i had allowed my heart to be tempted, to be stolen away from God. Thank God for His grace that i was even able to pull thru at all. If not, i dunno what would haf become of me. What a scary thot... God is indeed a faithful God, even when i was not. Sry, but i name no names so i wun say exactly wat happened.

Anyway, praise God that i managed to(not without plenty of difficulties) pay my one year vow to Him. Now, i am faced with the question and dilemma of what i wanna do, what is God wanting me to do, what can i expect, what should i expect. Argh. I really hate to think of such things but something Andy mentioned hit me. He said that if we are going nowhere in life today it's because we din make a decision yesterday. A right decision will warrant a good future and vice versa. So, no decision means no future. Wah. I got no future. But God you said in Jer29 that "For I know the thots that i think towards you, thots of good and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." So how can i say that i got no future. God is just waiting for me to take the first step, to make that right decision for my future. Rather than leaving everything to their own devices which means ultimate destruction. Yea, the next one week i think will be a trying week for me, gotta sort out many things and make decisions that could make or break me. Holy Spirit, i need Your guidance, Your help, cos i know that i can't trust my own judgement. Talk to me, reveal to e God, what should i do? I will really do my best to trust You, tho it could be scary. Let my heart be so open to You. let Your will be done. Amen.

More than Conquerors... yep that's ME!

Today, we had a guest speaker from Sweden, Word of Life Church come speak to us. No, it isn't Pst Ulf... It's Pst Carl Gustav! It's the first time i've heard him preach and boy is he good! I was very blessed by the msg he shared today so i thot i'll juz leave a few titbits for you guys to savour...

Title of Sermon: More than Conquerors!

Wow! Yes i've always been told that we are overcomers and that He who is in me is greater than he that is in the world. But, i believe that this is the first time dis topic hit me so hard. Thank You, Holy Spirit!

3 Things that we must Conquer:

1) Conquer ourselves
2) Conquer the world
3) Conquer the evil one(Satan)

Because Pst Carl has been a missionary for more than 30 yrs i think, hence he's got many juicy stories to share - all his very own real-life experiences of cos. But the one that has me convicted the most is about him sharing the gospel for the first time. At this point, some of you may think what's the bag deal about that? Everyone's got a first. Yea, but his was a first which few of us wld ever dare to do. At the age of 14, the same year he received his salvation and the Holy Spirit, he actually went up to the dean of his school one fine day and asked if he could use to school auditorium and haf the whole population of 600 to be there cos he got a good news to share. I was totally blown away. How many of us wld actually dare to do such a thing like this? For the first time you are sharing the gospel and to 600 ppl? It's amazing the kind of confidence God puts in us to do His will. And of cos the dean agreed and he even asked Pst Carl to do it again. For those of us who haf not mustered the courage to share the gospel even once( dun raise up ur hand), it's time to conquer that fear in you. Fear that you may malu urself, that you may lose ur frens, that you are not gd enuff yet. Throw all of them away! Be full of faith in Christ Jesus, for then we shall indeed be more than conquerors.

Actually i din intend to write about this but suddenly i juz thot of the svc today. i think it's the Holy Spirit prompting me... (^_^) I wanted to write bout something very emotional but thank God that He had come to soothe that hurt and anger, as well as prick that little balloon in my heart called pride. bleah. gotta crucify myself daily. exams coming so pray for me ppl...

A break from the world; A drawing to God... is wat i need

Haha... i've not been here for bout a month liao. In fact not been online for some time too... What with all the crazy quizzes the past week, and my bro hogging the com(as usual), there just wasn't an opportunity for me to get close...Well, it's rest for me this week and hopefully i will make good use of this time to do my tuts and catch up on all the work so far. Can't afford to 'bao' any more modules liao. I think my average results so far is a C which is only good enough for second lower or third class honours only. Tsk tsk. Very bad. i musn't go around wasting my time. Let my will stand strong to be diligent...

The truth is i ain't too keen to update as well. I dunno wat to write cos i can't always write exactly wat i feel or think. This may be my blog but still i gotta be responsible for the things that i say. Life and death lies in the power of the tongue. I dun wanna hurt pple wif wat i say cos such hurts can take ages to heal & if not properly handled, the person can grow bitter and bear grudges. All this just cos i wanna say wat i feel? I think it's not wise nor worth it. So i will keep these to myself.

Some things i can share tho... haha... after the birthday incident, i have managed to prepare the following ones properly and on time. Thanks to a few individuals who haf given me their help and support: Karen & Brevin. Thx man!

Thank You for Your Mercy & Grace

Last thursday to sunday was the all-time low of my life. I had committed a horrendous mistake. Here's wat happened:

During a lec on thur, i suddenly thot i betta chk if any of my cg member's bday is coming, and lo & behold, one had juz passed & i had completely forgotten bout it! *horrified gasp* As the bday coordinator i had totally failed in my duty. i thot i shld let jimmy noe so i msged him only to realise that i sent the msg to the bday member instead! *double gasp* I blew it BIG time. At this point, i so wanted kick myself. I wld haf been less worried if it had been someone else but this particular member wasn't doing well spiritually & such things wld affect him/her. Anyway, the present & card was bought & we celebrated it on Sunday. When i met up with cell group members after svc, i didn't noe wat to say or how to react but tried my best to put on a normal face. I tink i did a pretty gd job since no one asked me if i'm ok. I had nv felt worse in my life. Guilt, shame, condemnation, fear... everything set in all at once & i almost cldn't take it. By the time we had moved off to the mrt station, i was so depressed & close to tears i juz wanted to go home. i felt so lousy about myself & i dreaded to hear wat Bro Simon wld say to me. I juz wanted to run away and hide forever. But it's no use. Porblems dun go away unless you deal wif them. Jim talked to me for a while that nite. Bro Simon din call me after all but i felt that i so so let him down. I knew that only God could release me. I decided to do something bout it rather than juz letting the guilt kill me inside. I played the Cross album and worshipped God. As i asked Him to forgive me, i felt peace in my heart.Thank You Lord for Your love and grace. But i knew i still had to forgive myself. All of us stumble and make mistakes inevitably but beating ourselves up about it does not remedy the situation at all. The impt thing is to repent & learn frm it, and dun go back to the past. Let bygones be bygones.

A man without a vision will always go back to his past - Rev Kong Hee

Sad but true. I realised that for the past 7 mths i did not haf a vision from heaven and simply lived by my own human strength, without knowing wat i was doing. Existence. Don't you juz hate the word. It speaks of mediocrity, being average, merely surviving. That ain't the kind of life God Almighty wants us to haf. We are called to a greater purpose, a higher calling. To be a world-shaker and history-maker. If you were to live your whole life juz existing, not making any impact or difference to this world in your generation, you might juz as well be dead now. No point wasting resources. I may sound cruel but it's a fact that applies to me too. Think about it, for those of you who haf not found the purpose of your life. Cos i haf. It is to love Him wif all of my heart, all of my soul, all of my might. Jesus i love You.

School reopens!

School has officially started for nearly 2 weeks liao... The first wk was dead tiring. My bodyclock had not adjusted back and had severe difficulties getting my brain to cooperate during my morning lectures (noon ones oso not that much betta), during which i promptly fell aslp within 10min into the lec. Sigh. It was still orite tho cos no tutorials yet mah. Even had time to go shopping wif adam on tue to look for his watch and shoes. Saw a few things i liked too but A&B. Muz be wise so KIV first ba. On wed finally went for my dim sum buffet (sponsored by wilson cos his chem got A. Wif a teeny bit of my help. Yay!). Some of the b29 ppl came too & we talked bout school. Most of them are in EEE... I've got less chance to see them now liao... Sad. Nvm, still same uni lah... haha... & thus the first week back in NTU ended somewhat subtly.

Saturday: WOW! Deliverance power. Nv seen so many pple getting demons cast out of them. Kinda scary but really an eye-opener. Actually had felt that i wanted to go for the altar call as well but was kinda afraid to. Bleah. Zhao Zhi brought a fren and she got saved! Hooray! hope that she will stay now. *fingers crossed* Was this day too that i kinda started to lose my voice. Even right now i'm still coughing. Heal me pls God...

School this week has been much, much betta. Tho i've not really been slping any much more than the last wk yet i ain't visiting the land of nod in all my lecs liao. Juz ONE today. Sian. Nvm, i'll do betta nx week... haha... But i've been a bad girl. I nv do my tutorials... Sigh, how to get 4As lidat?? And hanging around wif Huifen, Banana & the rest makes me stressed. Cos they r all SO HARDWORKING! Which prolly is gd for me lah... since i'm the lazy bones type... God help me turn over a new leaf... *desperate* I dun wanna 'bao' no more. Like wat adam said, i oso like to eat it fresh & hot... haha...

Anyways. sry i haven updated so long... Been tired & dun feel like logging on lah... A big thanks to those who keep on tuning in! Merci beaucoup! I nid to get some much needed rest soon... Ppl haf been asking if i'm lacking sleep... The panda eyes r getting more defined... Bonne nuite!

Ride on a Rollercoaster

Man, i nearly messed up big time... Wanted to change my skin budden this computing idiot here dunno how to edit the programming properly so i ended up wif something weird... Thanks to Arjun who told me to save my original settings in case something disastrous happened, you guys r still able to read this blog. Phew!

Today was supposed to be a gd day. Been out since early morning but i din come home too late lah... Dun wan mummy to scold... I went to a special place in the morn, so special that i can't tell you. Neh-ni-neh-ni-poo-poo. Then went to meet Mei Qiang at Kallang to help her choose her specs frame. We finally managed to find something she likes after quite long. By then both of us were starving and had lunch at the hawker centre nearby. She shared some of her problems wif me & i provided a listening ear and a few words of consolence. Argh. I din think beforehand bout how i cld impart something into her life. This was something Sheng Da shared wif me yest. Bout praying that wateva you speak there will b an impartation made. Nvm... i will try again nx time. Gambate! Anyway, we ended our rendevous after she went to see a sinseh for her aching neck and back. Think she's feeling betta liao...

Ok, y was it supposed to be a gd day? i was happy and my spirits were high at the start but somehow towards the end i feel different. Was troubled by a few things. Firstly, my fren was rather down but i cldn't be of much help cept to gif him some words of encouragement. God, i pray you lift him up and strengthen him. Secondly, i was thrown into panic when i wasn't able to contact one of my CG members. Msged her, called her on her hp, & even her home... but to no avail! No one knew where she was... Finally, my hp sounded and lo & behold... gd news! She ain't missing or hurt or wateva, but working lah! haha... Scared the bejabbers outta me that girl...

In spite of all the ups and downs, i still thank God for this day, for indeed, this is the day that the Lord has made!

A Hairy Story

I went to have a haircut (more like a trim really) yesterday... i oso colored my hair again... Yay! Actually the color is more or less the same as the previous one. It suits my skin tone (the hairstylist said so) so i thot i betta stick to it & dun mess up my hair. Oh, i went to Kimage at Tampines to try out cos Andy's been raving (hmmm..maeb too strong a word) bout his hairstylist. I can tell you i got no regrets. Sham is in fact great.

Due to a couple of reasons.
#1. He's pretty gd-looking. Heh.
#2. He's very friendly and chatty. Not at all intimidating.
#3. His advice is good.
#4. His skills r gd.
#5. He's very thotful to ask me if it hurts when he was taking off the foil. (maeb all of them do. i dunno.)

Ok, so i wld definitely recommend you guys to go gif it a try. A word of warning tho. It ain't cheap... It cost me $2o5 to get my hair cut, colored, highlighted and treated. Yea, a big hole in the pocket. But praise the Lord! I am being blessed once again by mummy dearest... Yay! Blessings juz as Arise & Build started. Actually she only gaf me $150 but i believe it's really God's hand moving that she din mind forking out another $55. Wif my tuitions and all, she cld haf refused me the money for the haircut. But thank God she didn't. All glory goes to Jesus!

Wat happened to me?

It's been a pretty eventful week... Mon and Tue i had FOC which was great! Made new frens frm China and played lotsa games... Wed went for the scaling as usually, the last one liao... It's finally all over! muahaha... Cell grp meeting was on thur and the msg was power... "When God has given you a purpose he will also gif you the provision." Went for OPM on Fri and i nearly concussed. Terrible, terrible. Juz goes to show that i nid to pray more. gotta stretch myself.

Saturday was the day! ARISE & BUILD!!! Wow, the precious... "If it's precious to you, it's precious to God." Still feeling a bit confused bout my amt. I pledge liao but i feel that i gotta pray still. Spoke to Bro Simon and he said i still got one chance to change. God, i wanan give something that will touch You, that will move Your hand to bless me. But i noe i gotta gif outta faith and not fear. Holy Spirit, pls speak to me. Pls prompt me...

Ok. I'm going to slp soon... i hope i can update more often. Juz that sometimes i dunno wat to write... Inspiration... Where haf you gone? haha... mad mad.

Updates

It's been a loooong time folks... Sry ah... i was seriously plain lazy... heh.

There's been quite a few events that happened since my last blog. Let's see...

Firstly, Arise and Build is coming up and i'm definitely all geared up and ready to go... Yay! Gonna build God a wonderful hse in the marketplace, for the marketplace, to penetrate the marketplace! Met up wif Bro Bobby and he's quite alrite wif the amt I'm gonna pledge. =)

Of cos, there's been the second and third painful experience of scaling my teeth. The second was much worse than the first cos they had to put even more anaesthetic on my gums that even my lips were numbed. Bleah. Ok la, at least i took the correct painkillers this time and didn't end up wif swollen eyes due to an allergy.

I met up wif my dearest Lik Yin and went for one day of retail therapy(i din buy anything tho. sigh.) Had fun seeing my best fren frm secondary sch cos she's really someone i had always shared my life wif. If you dunno who's she, well, here's a short description: strong(physically and mentally!), gungho, can be a bit stubborn sometimes, crazy at others, guy-crazy once in a while, determined, focused, smart and beautiful. haha. not that short after all. Aiya, my best fren in short lah...

Marche!! First time i ever ate there... & no one believes me... y??? haha... the food was quite alrite tho the price quite ex ah... budden i din haf to pay a single cent. *evil grin* muahaha... cos it was the Marche outing wif the NTU minstry pple and we used the vouchers we won frm POS and the telematch. Whoo-hoo! Eating for free is such a bliss... & i took lotsa fotos wif everyone too... hopefully i'll upload them soon ah... hehe... ppl r rushing me liao...

The hols r gonna b over soon and my room is still in a mess. A horrible mess. i decided that i nid to clean it up real fast b4 my mum gets on my case again.

I nid to go get ready for church so gonna end this here. Hope that my next entry will not be too far into the future. haha.

Ouch!

I wanna scream and i wanna shout. I'm in pain rite now, excrutiating pain. Just went for the first out of my 4 scaling sessions. In case anyone dunno wat i'm talking about, scaling is cleaning ur teeth THOROUGHLY. So, the dentist scrubed my teeth and gums till they r sore now. My goodness... I feel like just lying on my bed and not moving at all. I think i'm getting a glimpse of the pain that is to come when i put on my braces. Argh!!! i really dunno if i can take it... bleah.

Complaints

Eh, was gonna complain bout my bro but after a talk wif Sze and a searching of my heart, i figured that i'm being ridiculous. So yea, forget it. Anyway, i wanna complain about my computer. This machine has been giving me problems for some time liao. Bleah. Within the span of 24 hrs it hanged twice liao. I think the poor old thing got too many startups to do liao le. Sigh...

Tmr i'm going swimming with Sze. Heh, get a tan and improve my swimming skills a bit. My swimming is really bad sia. I got poor stamina and worse still, hydrophobia. As long as my head ain't above water when i'm standing, i will freak out. All due to a small accident when i was a kid. Bleah. Aiya, i muz overcome this fear lor, esp if i wanna participate in biathalon nx yr. Jia you!

Isa 41:13
For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.'

Surprise, surprise

Oh, for heaven's sake, I din noe that people actually read my blog... haha... Erm, whoever it is who asked me to put up a tagboard... it's a great idea, cept that i dunno how... some help here pls... Thx!

The past week...

Some things are just not meant to be. Like the previous post... I messed up something bad, so it nv happened. Oh well, i take it that God doesn't want me to post some emotional rubbish up here. Many things haf happened of late, of which i ain't obliged to nor feel compelled to share at all. Bleah.

Empty, empty, empty. God i am an empty vessel waiting to be filled, filled with Your anointing. Cause such a great desire to rise up in me, to consume me, that i may wholly follow after You and You alone. Not mammon, not myself. I want to shine, shine so bright, that people are awed by Your glory in me. Passion. I wanna feel more passionate about You every single day. I feel so stifled up, unable to release all the tension and frustration within me. Only You Lord, only You will understand, only You will hear my cries. I can only turn to You. You are my Refuge. You are my all.

Emerge!

Today is the last day of the Emerge conference. The past 3 days haf been tiring but fulfilling. I believe that my life's gonna b changed after this. That revival's gonna come to NTU and to my cell grp. Let's all work hard for the kingdom of God ok? The harvest is indeed plentiful but the labourers are few.

Wah, im tired liao... think i betta go sleep... i'll update this pt 2 tmr then... haha, sry for the tardiness...

Boring? Me? You can't be serious...

Now i haf pple who are complaining that my blog's too boring... no music, no pictures... Okay, so sue me that i ain't IT savvy like the rest of the world. I'm juz not that interested in dabbling wif hard metal parts and stuff lidat ok... But gimme some time lah pple, I will show you an improved version... At least will haf some music... hehe... But if you were to talk bout fashion instead, it wld interest me much more of cos... Haha, a typical girl who lurves shopping to death. I nid to get some new stuff... Somemore now GSS(Great S'pore Sale lah you loonies...) must grab the golden oppurtunity. Hopefully my mum will be nice and sponsor me lah... haha... For those of you who haf known me long enuff, I'm a true blue mummy's girl and sometimes a pretty spoilt brat. Aiya, for those of you who dun, i've given you a not-so-good impression liao rite? wateva... Neways, thank God for my nice mummy... heh, i can afford to treat her so much betta tho...

Attitude attitude... Go figure.